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[survivalthroughhate]

"This is Maul. State your business."

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[survivalthroughhate]

[He listens to the kid-- well, monologue makes it sound almost comical, but it's the only word that fits. Eddie has the tendency to ramble on and use about eight words when only two would have done, but he's used to that quirk from the kid by now. He feels a little less heavy now after all that.]

Be better. You all keep saying that. You make me want to hope again. And that is a dangerous thing.

[That's where the first step would start with Maul. In order to be able to be a better person, he had to have hope that he even could attempt such a thing.]

I fear you will all be disappointed in giving me that second chance no matter how many times you allow me to fail and try again. The dark is easy to give into. That's what people have a hard time understanding. The temptation to put yourself first, to stab someone in the back when they show you trust, to murder someone to achieve your goal instead of showing mercy, to let anger rule your mind...these things are not easily discarded.

[He's not providing excuses, merely listing examples of what he was likely to do. Like anyone trying to break a habit, the chances of him relapsing were high.]

Then you have had a far better chance at it than I have. Had it not been for my direct actions, my family would not have suffered and died. That is something that caused us all much misery and torment. I don't think I came out of it stronger, merely with more pain upon my soul, and only a resolve to survive instead of laying down to die and be with them. Love like that has only ever been used against me.

[He pauses.]

You always get me talking far more than I ever normally do.

[Eddie might have noticed that Maul wasn't especially eloquent when speaking. He often seems like he speaks only enough to say exactly what he means and nothing more.]

[clussy]

If we're all saying it then that means you're clearly capable of more than you're doing. And we can see that in you.

(Eddie sighs quietly.)

Yeah, dude, change is dangerous. What makes us move forward is the hope for change, isn't it? Otherwise none of us would ever bother trying to challenge ourselves if we weren't sitting around hoping it'd do something. Hope isn't just about loving people. Hope is about wanting more than what you have.

(At least Eddie thought so anyway. It took a lot to dare to hope. Hope, he thought, was a complicated emotion.)

And you? You're a lot stronger than someone who just wants to idly stand around and be the same person forever.

(Even if he went in a darker direction...Eddie still thought that represented hope of some kind.)

Adults are always disappointing. That's the great thing about relationships with them. You never expect anything and then you can never really be disappointed. (Grim reality, but he's being honest at least.) You will fail. You'll fail and I'll scream and we'll fight and then we'll do it again and again as many times as it takes.

(Because Eddie was like a fucking mold.)

I don't think it's that hard to understand. I think it's natural to...do bad things because it's the easier way out. Think I don't know that? Gosh. My momma would scream and yell and drag me to the hospital if I so much as sniffled the wrong way. I got really good at lying because it was always easier than just trying to stand up to her. But what good did that do me? None, I'll tell ya what.

(No, it wasn't an excuse, he didn't think. It was as natural as everything else.)

You know, Maul. Kinda surprised by you right now.

(Not disappointed. Surprised.)

You talk up like you're this big fighter. Where's all that fight go when it's for your own sake? You're not an idiot. I don't even think you're heartless. Clearly there's something deeper in you and you know it. You know your trauma. I know it's easy to fall into...God knows I let my trauma define me all the time. But...Why are you letting that happen even here? With people who believe in you?

...Are you afraid of it happening again? (He's not being snarky or pushy. It's a soft question, already empathetic because he didn't really need that question answered.

He giggles quietly, and it's a strange sound in the midst of such an intense conversation, but hey. That's Eddie.)

Someone's gotta light a fire up some of you jaded, old bastards.

[survivalthroughhate]

Hmmm. The problem with wanting more for myself is that it has always inevitably led to more destruction and death. I'm not sure if I am the cause or if it just follows me about, clinging to me the way a spiderweb does when you walk through it.

[But Maul was confusing the lust for power with the need to change, which were too very different things. It's not that Maul is stupid. Sometimes, he's just very stubborn and thickheaded after the life he's led, which can make it hard for him to see any point-of-view that differs from him.]

You know, most adults think the same thing about relationships with children. They're stupid some of-- well, most of the time and tend to make the same mistakes over and over again, as well as focusing their time on the most inane things possible.

At least you seem to understand me better than some of my peers that are the same age. Not sure if that says very little about my state emotionally or very much about your sense of maturity.


[After Eddie goes off on another filibuster, there's another growl then, the same lines of big cat sound he'd made while roaring, just softer this time. Eddie's spent plenty of time around animals and he'll know that one quite well. The kind of snarl that said 'Back off and shut up' when one got too close to an angry, injured animal. He'd proven his point, that was enough. Maul didn't need more lectures from a dumbass kid and he certainly didn't want to examine that question too closely.

The answer, of course, was yes. Maul didn't have much fear in him, but the fear of what had happened to shape him into himself, to create the monster he currently had become, that was far too great for him to try and do something different. He was scared to try and just couldn't bring himself to do so. Though he was hardly going to admit that.

He lets that sound hang in the air and it's punctuated by Eddie laughing, which does cool off Maul a little bit.]

And I suppose the adults in this town need to keep an eye on you young idiots to make sure you don't do something stupid like walk off a cliff.